Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
