Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
