Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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