The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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