I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
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Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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