6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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