If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
They took my balls.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
