I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
