under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
