Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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