made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
