He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
