Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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