Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
