I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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