I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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