we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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