so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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