thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
