That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
