it's not cheating when I paid for it
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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