Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
