I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
