If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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