So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
