...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
