My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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