Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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