she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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