4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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