You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
