He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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