Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just want nice things and good sex
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
