i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
