there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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