Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
