Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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