nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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