If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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