arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
