Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
