Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
