worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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