Say something about gay babies.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCHâ€.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
