I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
