I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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