When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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