After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
