the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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