Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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