I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
