In the future we'll all be gay
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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