he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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