when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
